Chronicle #6 Let's just call it a chronicle.
Okay, it's actually worthy of being called a chronicle
Omo. It’s been more than a minute.
I know you’ve missed me. Admit it and put the devil to shame.
I’ve written more than 5 emails between the last mail and now to send to you guys, but look at me😭. Why did I not send them? I donno. You see that question, it’s only God that can answer😭🥹.
That’s why today, I woke up and said today na today, coherent thought or not, I’m going to send out this mail. So I turned on the laptop and told myself, IJ I believe in you, you can do it😌. I turned the fan on, turned on some music, put one bottle of cold yogurt beside me and I started. E for energy!😂
I hope I can come back to this and say ‘shebi I told you, just look at the little magic you made 🌚’
For the past like 3 months, I been brimming with a lot of ideas, guy. My mind has been full. If you remember, a couple chronicles ago, I wrote about feeling spent and how I needed some form of filling and pouring into. Right now, I feel like I’m on the extreme opposite end. I feel very full, like I need to pour out. It’s like the cup in Psalm 23 that’s supposed to be running over, but I don’t seem to have space to. Earlier in the year, I was disconnected from streams through which God poured into me. Somehow, I found my sources again, and now I’m so full that I need to overflow and I find no outlet for that. The cycle is crazy. Finding the balance between (creative) expression and healthy feeding(spirit, soul, and body), is a lot of work.
Recently, I started struggling with fear again. It’s interesting to realize that I’m scared of expression. When I knew there was a problem, was when someone did something I’d been proficient in, for more than 3 years and my first response, was ‘ehn ehn?’. I rebuked the thought as quickly as it came. God forbid I’m unable to see the beauty in people’s work. If you know me well enough, you’ll know that I like to dig into emotions, so I began to dig. What is this feeling? Why do I feel this way? What triggered this response? When did I start to feel like this? What’s the real issue that this thought is reflective of? What does the Holy Spirit have to say about this feeling? What should my response be, now? I believe you get it
Off the point, but it makes sense that I was quite melancholy and prone to depression. There was always too much going on in my head for whatever age I was, and the devil took advantage of that very active mind of mine.
So, as I began to trace my feelings, I figured that I was scared of expressing myself. Partly because of impostor syndrome. Partly because of the opposite of impostor syndrome - the fear that I’m too much, I need to dumb it down. Partly because I felt that people around me would not understand or relate to the things I’d be talking about. Partly because I’m many things and I don’t usually know what to be at any one given time. Partly because I am different things to different people and many seemingly contrasting things coexist in me, so I’m subtly afraid to contradict some people’s perception of me. And partly because certain parts of me were rebuffed as a child, and they’re still afraid of rejection.
Basically, I’m afraid that I’ll be deemed too much, or too little; that I’ll be told that what I am is not what I ought to be; or that I’m not good enough yet, so I ought not share myself because of my inadequacies. The reason all these things are coming to the surface now is that the growth happening in my life in this season requires that I push beyond my limits and step out of my comfort zone.
This is not the first time I’ve had to face fears and limiting beliefs, still, it’s no less difficult each time. It’s a lot of work, and I need a lot of help, discipline, and accountability, but I think this time, I have the courage to really push my limits. I feel a very deep discomfort in my spirit, that not only am I being selfish by hiding my light, but I’m also doing the world, the millions of people who could’ve been blessed by something I’d share, a disservice. Heck, I’m doing myself a disservice. And most of all, I’m doing God and the cloud of witnesses(living and dead) around me a huge disservice. Too much has been handed to me, to not deliver. And too much is being expected of me, to not deliver well. There’s so much at stake.
This summer break was a great time for me. I got to be with a lot of people I hold dear. I remember one evening that Gloria came to visit, and by the time she was leaving, even though we didn’t have any serious talk, I’d found myself again. I remembered the things that made me happy. Who I was before med school. Who I wanted to be. The niche I’d carved for myself, not this one I was letting be carved for me. I spent time with Adeife too. Best one week in a long, long time, fr.
I’m still finding my place in med school. I’ve been more consistent in my reading, though. At this point, I feel like there’ll eventually be an ‘allow me to introduce myself’ moment, ‘cause even though nobody really knows me in this place, everybody has an opinion of who they think I am, or at least the kind of who, they think I am. I honestly kinda thought this place would be some kind of new beginning, because, new environment? I don't even know😂
One interesting thing that has been happening in the past few months, is watching Enny grow. Enny has matured in the past few months and I’m so proud. For real, I’ve been having many proud mother moments, you can’t imagine. I can see the marked change in her thought patterns and aspirations so vividly, it makes me so happy. It’s beautiful to see your investments in people yield, even if they weren’t aware that you were consciously investing in them. I wonder if my brothers feel this way about me too.
When God told me to leave our shared room, I knew it was some kind of transplant, to allow for each one of us to have adequate space to grow, but I couldn’t imagine this depth of growth in all 3 of us in such little time. I’m grateful I obeyed, hard as it was. You will be surprised by the ripple effect that your small act of obedience to Abba would create.
I know this is what I’ve been called to do. To build people. To unconsciously raise in men, the culture of heaven. That, by merely being in proximity with me for a while, even if they don’t realize it, they just instinctively fall in alignment with God and purpose, and so lead better lives, pursue better things, think better thoughts, have more clarity, joy, and peace, and just become more whole than they were when they met me.
Do you find this true of me?
I realize that I’ve been keeping to myself a lot, lately. Not much has been going on in my life in recent times, so an awareness about events in my life would be a bad index of intimacy, at this time. But even though not much has been happening, my mind has been very very active, and almost nobody knows what has been going on in my mind. On the one hand, it’s because nobody has asked me. On the other hand, it’s because I trust people, even close people, less than I did, so I don't say stuff I'm not asked about, and that’s quite ironic. This confers a responsibility on both you guys and me. For you, it is to be more intentional about loving me right. For me, it is to go back to Abba to remind me of love and joy again. I told you before, I’m prone to depression, withdrawal and all those dark feelings. So in my walk with God, I’ve learnt to recognize my tendencies and consciously take them to God to offer up as offering, and in return, I look to him and take a part of him that corresponds to that part of me, because the goal is to become like him. I repeat that process as many times as I have to, about as many things as I have to, because isn’t that what the renewal of my mind looks like? They’re my tendencies after all.
Hebrews 12:1-2 puts it well.
… let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. and let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith…
Anywayss. I started a business guys. It’s been on my mind for a couple of years, but I’m taking little steps toward it now. Most of you probably know already, but I started to sell ground pepper to students in my school. Not so big yet, because it’s a lot of outside-comfort-zone-stepping. I know that this business is going to be a part of something much bigger, but I don’t know if I’m going to brand it in itself. God must be so proud of me right now. And my businesswoman mother too😂❤️
I’m looking to declutter my spaces(mental and digital) before the end of the year. Procrastination, laziness, and fear are 3 nemeses I face as well. They declared war and boy, am I ready to fight 😌. I’m sending this mail via Substack, because, why not? Still experimenting with Substack and Medium.
I have big, big dreams and I’m daring to pursue them. Would you pursue yours?
Till next time,
Inioluwa James.